What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

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I don,t even have a pension.

What did i know ?

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I was scared of men, in general

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Especially a lifetime of it.

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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

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It was going to be , some day.

Would this be the day?

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

When she asked me how she looked .

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This is how, and why children get BPD.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I have no regrets .

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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

So whats the point in blame.

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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

She loved him until the end.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

So, i spoilt her more .

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

On the 31st of Jan this month .

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Why did i forgive my father ?

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

One cannot live in the past .

I said to her

But ive been too sick for many years..

She was in good health!

As i do to all so called friends.?

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

My family never makes their pension either.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

I was seconnd youngest,

We all went to grammer schools

My life is so biszare .

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

This is soul school!.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I will be 64.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

He knew the spot.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

But it wasn’t much.

Im still living with it.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Comes on , in middle age.

She married twice! .

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

I was very sick at this time too.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Was to survive, this bastard.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Ive learnt so much.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

She found it foreign!.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Who then, do I blame.?

I couldn’t, believe it.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I could never make a relationship work though!

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

He was dying to do it , i knew.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I think the readers, may guess!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Put me off passion for life!!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

I never cut or harmed myself..

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

We were not on the streets..

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

All the time i was locked up.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

He resisted the act ,that day.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

I was 9 years of age.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I write beautiful poetry .

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I waited trembling.

And i lived it daily.

But, we were locked up after school.

(And it was in our own minds.)

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

I had hoped to write a book about this .

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

She wouldn,t have been !